OT 21: DFD Giveth and DFD Taketh Away

Off-topic? You mean on-topic!
User avatar
max225
Chief Master Sirloin of the Wasteful Steak
Chief Master Sirloin of the Wasteful Steak
Posts: 42429
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 12:49 am
Drives: Taco+ Bavarian lemon

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 12:14 pm
max225 wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:44 am

Damn usually this is something girls go through when they are 12-17... with their bodies all jacked up by hormones. I really hope that the little guy is just craving some attention and is using the wrong ways to go about it.

Can you get him more involved in some sort of sport/activities he may enjoy? Or perhaps he is involved in something that makes him :rage: and that's his way of going about it.
I can't add more at this time, he's doing soccer in the summer, ball hockey and TKD in the winter, and needs time to study. He is in camps with his brother as well... This week it was an outdoor thing with water, sports, games, snack bar, some have sucked.

He was at another kid's birthday party yesterday so maybe something made him :rage: and he fucking hates those party formats?? :iono:
Yea it sounds like maybe there was some bullying there... Perhaps you can get to the bottom of it over time. Kids are usually fairly durable little creatures. And it sounds like you're doing all the right things, I think given his age... he will grow out of it.
User avatar
ChrisoftheNorth
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 47112
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 6:10 am
Drives: 4R

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:15 am
Detroit wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 10:47 am
I understand this. Feel free to vent, breh!
I need your help with this one bro, I'm beside myself and it's tough.

My 7 y/o has said for the second time this year that he wants to be dead by his 8th birthday, two months apart. He has no remorse about leaving it all behind. He's always been more moody and harder to deal with then his brother, so I know that he's wired for these kinds of issues.

If you happen to have any guidance or suggestions that you think we can do as parents to support him it would be appreciated.
I've been struggling with depression and thoughts just like this for my entire life, the past few years have been the hardest. This winter I almost off'd myself on a number of occasions. I feel for him, and it's terrible that he's feeling this way at such a young age.

I tried everything to to improve myself. I started exercising, got in shape, tried reading, new hobbies, nothing worked until I finally got professional help. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now and it's like my world is all new. I got lucky to find a good one right off the bat, and he really digs into stuff with me. It's surprisingly difficult and emotionally draining, but I'm having an improved view on life with each session. It's invaluable.

I'd HIGHLY suggest getting him into talk to a therapist if you're open to it. A child-oriented professional could do wonders for him. If that's not on the table, a few things my therapist had me do at home that has helped immensely...

This will vary for every individual, but my own issue is that I don't have a solid grasp on my sense of "self" i.e. what I WANT, what I LIKE, what my identity is. I've gotten accustomed to just going with the flow, having no opinion, and not doing anything for or because of myself. That's all rooted in the way I was raised, and I won't get into that, but my feeling of wanting it all to end and not wanting to keep going had to do with the fact that I had nothing to live FOR because I don't know what I want as myself. I was/am just a human body, so what's the point? I'd dwell on this issue mentally, which would spiral into depressive episodes with no way out.

Therapist told me to do menial things to focus my mind. Learn to juggle (I DID!), read a book (he recommended an older novel I might enjoy), journal my thoughts. and eventually, start to think not about the fact that I have nothing, but instead what I actually want. Turns out I'm stuck worried about judgement from others, which I'm still working on, but it's a process. So I'd suggest the following:

- Therapy
- Encourage him to do things he wants to do. DO NOT be judgmental in anyway unless it's a bad thing (self harm, harming others, etc). Even something as simple as "hey bud, you pick dinner tonight, we'll love whatever you pick! (and mean it and act like it dammit)"
- Encourage him to find things he enjoys. Maybe try to get him hooked on an easy to read book series. Maybe he likes drawing? SOMETHING to keep his mind busy, but nothing frustrating. For example, I learned how to juggle. It's not frustrating because there's zero need to juggle, and it's a very simple task. I bought a book and bean bags and whenever my mind starts to go down a dark path, I grab the bags and practice juggling for a few minutes. After just 5 minutes of focusing on that, I feel better (hell, maybe he wants to learn how to juggle? Could be a fun thing for him in school to show his friends?) This book is amazing: https://www.amazon.com/Juggling-for-the ... 279&sr=8-3

This is just ME...he is very likely different. This is why I can't recommend professional help enough.
Desertbreh wrote: Tue Oct 10, 2017 6:40 pm My guess would be that Chris took some time off because he has read the dialogue on this page 1,345 times and decided to spend some of his free time doing something besides beating a horse to death.
User avatar
D Griff
Trollistrator
Trollistrator
Posts: 28784
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 8:49 am
Drives: Bicycles/Two Feet

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:25 am
wap wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:21 am
Holy shit dude, that's terrifying! Can you get him into any sort of therapy or counseling, alone and/or with the rest of the family?

Alternative thought: Is he just saying this for attention and to get a reaction out of you?
Therapy, yes. We do have a family session on occasion so we can bring this convo up and ask the councilor for additional direction which we will plan to do.

I don't know about the reaction piece, it just seems like he's being totally genuine in his statements. We even lied around this morning and talked about it in more detail, and I don't think he's out to off himself, but hopes it happens on its own so that he's not around. Poor kiddo :(
Sorry to hear it man. That's super tough. I really have no idea what to do with something like that, can't help at all, sadly. I had some hard times growing up not fitting in with peers and whatnot, I'm sure most kids do. Hopefully the family therapy is helpful.
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

Detroit wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 12:46 pm
Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:15 am

I need your help with this one bro, I'm beside myself and it's tough.

My 7 y/o has said for the second time this year that he wants to be dead by his 8th birthday, two months apart. He has no remorse about leaving it all behind. He's always been more moody and harder to deal with then his brother, so I know that he's wired for these kinds of issues.

If you happen to have any guidance or suggestions that you think we can do as parents to support him it would be appreciated.
I've been struggling with depression and thoughts just like this for my entire life, the past few years have been the hardest. This winter I almost off'd myself on a number of occasions. I feel for him, and it's terrible that he's feeling this way at such a young age.

I tried everything to to improve myself. I started exercising, got in shape, tried reading, new hobbies, nothing worked until I finally got professional help. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now and it's like my world is all new. I got lucky to find a good one right off the bat, and he really digs into stuff with me. It's surprisingly difficult and emotionally draining, but I'm having an improved view on life with each session. It's invaluable.

I'd HIGHLY suggest getting him into talk to a therapist if you're open to it. A child-oriented professional could do wonders for him. If that's not on the table, a few things my therapist had me do at home that has helped immensely...

This will vary for every individual, but my own issue is that I don't have a solid grasp on my sense of "self" i.e. what I WANT, what I LIKE, what my identity is. I've gotten accustomed to just going with the flow, having no opinion, and not doing anything for or because of myself. That's all rooted in the way I was raised, and I won't get into that, but my feeling of wanting it all to end and not wanting to keep going had to do with the fact that I had nothing to live FOR because I don't know what I want as myself. I was/am just a human body, so what's the point? I'd dwell on this issue mentally, which would spiral into depressive episodes with no way out.

Therapist told me to do menial things to focus my mind. Learn to juggle (I DID!), read a book (he recommended an older novel I might enjoy), journal my thoughts. and eventually, start to think not about the fact that I have nothing, but instead what I actually want. Turns out I'm stuck worried about judgement from others, which I'm still working on, but it's a process. So I'd suggest the following:

- Therapy
- Encourage him to do things he wants to do. DO NOT be judgmental in anyway unless it's a bad thing (self harm, harming others, etc). Even something as simple as "hey bud, you pick dinner tonight, we'll love whatever you pick! (and mean it and act like it dammit)"
- Encourage him to find things he enjoys. Maybe try to get him hooked on an easy to read book series. Maybe he likes drawing? SOMETHING to keep his mind busy, but nothing frustrating. For example, I learned how to juggle. It's not frustrating because there's zero need to juggle, and it's a very simple task. I bought a book and bean bags and whenever my mind starts to go down a dark path, I grab the bags and practice juggling for a few minutes. After just 5 minutes of focusing on that, I feel better (hell, maybe he wants to learn how to juggle? Could be a fun thing for him in school to show his friends?) This book is amazing: https://www.amazon.com/Juggling-for-the ... 279&sr=8-3

This is just ME...he is very likely different. This is why I can't recommend professional help enough.
Thank you
User avatar
razr390
Command Chief Master Sirloin
Command Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 19644
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 12:08 am
Drives: MK7.5 on 87

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 12:14 pm
max225 wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:44 am

Damn usually this is something girls go through when they are 12-17... with their bodies all jacked up by hormones. I really hope that the little guy is just craving some attention and is using the wrong ways to go about it.

Can you get him more involved in some sort of sport/activities he may enjoy? Or perhaps he is involved in something that makes him :rage: and that's his way of going about it.
I can't add more at this time, he's doing soccer in the summer, ball hockey and TKD in the winter, and needs time to study. He is in camps with his brother as well... This week it was an outdoor thing with water, sports, games, snack bar, some have sucked.

He was at another kid's birthday party yesterday so maybe something made him :rage: and he fucking hates those party formats?? :iono:
Dumb question, maybe not.

Does he ACTUALLY LIKE the activities he's currently doing? Sometimes these might be more detrimental to his mental health if they AREN'T fun for him, but he feels "FORCED" to do them.

Also, maybe try to get him into something WITHOUT his brother doing the same thing, maybe something more individualized and unique? It's a tough place to be in for sure but I also think it is maybe the things he hears from his friends + mix of wanting some attention but in HIS OWN WAY.

I would see if he has a knack or passion for something without giving him the standard run of the mill soccer/ball hockey/etc. and just let him choose a hobby/activity.
:doughnut: :narc: :doughnut:
Desertbreh wrote: Thu Oct 17, 2019 3:05 pm DFD. The forum where everybody makes the same choices and then tells anybody trying to join the club that they are the stupidest motherfucker to ever walk the earth.
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

razr390 wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 4:41 pm
Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 12:14 pm

I can't add more at this time, he's doing soccer in the summer, ball hockey and TKD in the winter, and needs time to study. He is in camps with his brother as well... This week it was an outdoor thing with water, sports, games, snack bar, some have sucked.

He was at another kid's birthday party yesterday so maybe something made him :rage: and he fucking hates those party formats?? :iono:
Dumb question, maybe not.

Does he ACTUALLY LIKE the activities he's currently doing? Sometimes these might be more detrimental to his mental health if they AREN'T fun for him, but he feels "FORCED" to do them.

Also, maybe try to get him into something WITHOUT his brother doing the same thing, maybe something more individualized and unique? It's a tough place to be in for sure but I also think it is maybe the things he hears from his friends + mix of wanting some attention but in HIS OWN WAY.

I would see if he has a knack or passion for something without giving him the standard run of the mill soccer/ball hockey/etc. and just let him choose a hobby/activity.
Thanks Rudy, I'll consider this.
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

max225 wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 12:21 pm
Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 12:14 pm

I can't add more at this time, he's doing soccer in the summer, ball hockey and TKD in the winter, and needs time to study. He is in camps with his brother as well... This week it was an outdoor thing with water, sports, games, snack bar, some have sucked.

He was at another kid's birthday party yesterday so maybe something made him :rage: and he fucking hates those party formats?? :iono:
Yea it sounds like maybe there was some bullying there... Perhaps you can get to the bottom of it over time. Kids are usually fairly durable little creatures. And it sounds like you're doing all the right things, I think given his age... he will grow out of it.
I have more things to think about, and want to run them by you when I get a chance. I'm optimistic that he'll grow out of it, but it turns out that we have a history of this sort of thing in the not so distant blood line on Nicole's side.

Thank you for your opinion on the subject. I appreciate everyone's input. It means a lot to me guys.
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

D Griff wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 2:25 pm
Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:25 am

Therapy, yes. We do have a family session on occasion so we can bring this convo up and ask the councilor for additional direction which we will plan to do.

I don't know about the reaction piece, it just seems like he's being totally genuine in his statements. We even lied around this morning and talked about it in more detail, and I don't think he's out to off himself, but hopes it happens on its own so that he's not around. Poor kiddo :(
Sorry to hear it man. That's super tough. I really have no idea what to do with something like that, can't help at all, sadly. I had some hard times growing up not fitting in with peers and whatnot, I'm sure most kids do. Hopefully the family therapy is helpful.
No worries, Chris lives this and I am really thankful for his thoughts and opinions on the subject. We are not all experts or even experienced in this matter (me included), but we are a smart bunch and aging this dialog definitely helps us collectively.

I appreciate everything dude.
User avatar
D Griff
Trollistrator
Trollistrator
Posts: 28784
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 8:49 am
Drives: Bicycles/Two Feet

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 4:51 pm
D Griff wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 2:25 pm

Sorry to hear it man. That's super tough. I really have no idea what to do with something like that, can't help at all, sadly. I had some hard times growing up not fitting in with peers and whatnot, I'm sure most kids do. Hopefully the family therapy is helpful.
No worries, Chris lives this and I am really thankful for his thoughts and opinions on the subject. We are not all experts or even experienced in this matter (me included), but we are a smart bunch and aging this dialog definitely helps us collectively.

I appreciate everything dude.
Yep, I think we all have learned from each other here over the years, the open conversations offer up a lot.

This is your younger son, right?

Many adults even hate parties, maybe some of this was set off by that not really being his jam.
User avatar
SAWCE
Command Chief Master Sirloin
Command Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 21762
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:26 pm
Drives: Ebombtra
Location: The mountains

Mario my dude, sorry to hear about your kid. I don’t know how much help I’d be, but I’ve dealt with depression most of my life and remember it affecting me as far back as fourth or fifth grade, so not my bolder than your dude. One of my earliest memories is my mom asking me why I don’t smile anymore..
Feel free to hit me up to vent, bounce ideas, whatever. I need to do more therapy myself and unlock a lot of my childhood memories and figure out if something specific happened, so I don’t know that I’ll have a “fix”, but might at least be able to offer some insight and you can take it to him and see if it helps at all.

Good on your for being attentive and actually concerned and not blowing it off as childhood angst. With six kids, my parents just didn’t have the bandwidth to give me that, and I learned how it hide it for the most part for a long time until making a similar threat at like 14 years, and an actual attempt at 16.
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

D Griff wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 5:14 pm
Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 4:51 pm

No worries, Chris lives this and I am really thankful for his thoughts and opinions on the subject. We are not all experts or even experienced in this matter (me included), but we are a smart bunch and aging this dialog definitely helps us collectively.

I appreciate everything dude.
Yep, I think we all have learned from each other here over the years, the open conversations offer up a lot.

This is your younger son, right?

Many adults even hate parties, maybe some of this was set off by that not really being his jam.
Youngest yes (7 y/o), he is 100% hating parties and groups. They are all his little buddies, but it is overwhelming for him. Maybe he just doesn't want to have a birthday party next year.... would save me some cash.

Thanks Dan, you're amazing! I appreciate your input without any judgement.
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

SAWCE wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 7:17 pm Mario my dude, sorry to hear about your kid. I don’t know how much help I’d be, but I’ve dealt with depression most of my life and remember it affecting me as far back as fourth or fifth grade, so not my bolder than your dude. One of my earliest memories is my mom asking me why I don’t smile anymore..
Feel free to hit me up to vent, bounce ideas, whatever. I need to do more therapy myself and unlock a lot of my childhood memories and figure out if something specific happened, so I don’t know that I’ll have a “fix”, but might at least be able to offer some insight and you can take it to him and see if it helps at all.

Good on your for being attentive and actually concerned and not blowing it off as childhood angst. With six kids, my parents just didn’t have the bandwidth to give me that, and I learned how it hide it for the most part for a long time until making a similar threat at like 14 years, and an actual attempt at 16.
This means a lot to me, I will absolutely absorb all of info when the kids aren't smashing my face with pillows at my parents place. I need to run some ideas past you but will get to it in due time.

I'm trying to consider Chris's suggestion about giving Adam purpose in life. He loves animals more than anything so I want to connect with a local animal shelter and get him involved with some aspect of helping. Maybe we'll walk dogs or whatever, but I'm here for this little tyke.
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

Thanks dudes, I appreciate everything. I will reread everyone's inputs tonight and tomorrow.
User avatar
ChrisoftheNorth
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 47112
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 6:10 am
Drives: 4R

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 8:04 pm Thanks dudes, I appreciate everything. I will reread everyone's inputs tonight and tomorrow.
Excellent. Certainly ask any and all questions.

I wasn't a depressed kid really, it came later in life for reasons. If it were addressed at an earlier age like you're talking, it would have changed my life. BRAVO for you being attentive enough to notice and want to do something about it. Your son may never thank you one day, but if he's happy, you did more than he or you'll ever know.
Desertbreh wrote: Tue Oct 10, 2017 6:40 pm My guess would be that Chris took some time off because he has read the dialogue on this page 1,345 times and decided to spend some of his free time doing something besides beating a horse to death.
User avatar
CaleDeRoo
Senior Master Sirloin
Senior Master Sirloin
Posts: 8010
Joined: Tue Nov 13, 2018 8:46 pm
Drives: C5
Location: CLT NC

Just heard my dad lost the top half of his thumb to a garage door spring this week. Took 6 hours to even get any Novocaine and then another 6 to get it stitched on. Two surgeries later and he's waiting to see if he'll get to keep it or not. Fuck those springs man it's sketchy shit.
User avatar
CaleDeRoo
Senior Master Sirloin
Senior Master Sirloin
Posts: 8010
Joined: Tue Nov 13, 2018 8:46 pm
Drives: C5
Location: CLT NC

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:15 am
Detroit wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 10:47 am
I understand this. Feel free to vent, breh!
I need your help with this one bro, I'm beside myself and it's tough.

My 7 y/o has said for the second time this year that he wants to be dead by his 8th birthday, two months apart. He has no remorse about leaving it all behind. He's always been more moody and harder to deal with then his brother, so I know that he's wired for these kinds of issues.

If you happen to have any guidance or suggestions that you think we can do as parents to support him it would be appreciated.
Wow I don't even know what to say. Tots and pears. I hope you and him get all the help you guys need.
User avatar
SAWCE
Command Chief Master Sirloin
Command Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 21762
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:26 pm
Drives: Ebombtra
Location: The mountains

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 8:03 pm
SAWCE wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 7:17 pm Mario my dude, sorry to hear about your kid. I don’t know how much help I’d be, but I’ve dealt with depression most of my life and remember it affecting me as far back as fourth or fifth grade, so not my bolder than your dude. One of my earliest memories is my mom asking me why I don’t smile anymore..
Feel free to hit me up to vent, bounce ideas, whatever. I need to do more therapy myself and unlock a lot of my childhood memories and figure out if something specific happened, so I don’t know that I’ll have a “fix”, but might at least be able to offer some insight and you can take it to him and see if it helps at all.

Good on your for being attentive and actually concerned and not blowing it off as childhood angst. With six kids, my parents just didn’t have the bandwidth to give me that, and I learned how it hide it for the most part for a long time until making a similar threat at like 14 years, and an actual attempt at 16.
This means a lot to me, I will absolutely absorb all of info when the kids aren't smashing my face with pillows at my parents place. I need to run some ideas past you but will get to it in due time.

I'm trying to consider Chris's suggestion about giving Adam purpose in life. He loves animals more than anything so I want to connect with a local animal shelter and get him involved with some aspect of helping. Maybe we'll walk dogs or whatever, but I'm here for this little tyke.
I really love that idea. He gets a sense of purpose, the doggos get some extra loving, everybody wins.
User avatar
wap
Chief Master Sirloin of the Wasteful Steak
Chief Master Sirloin of the Wasteful Steak
Posts: 45157
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:52 pm
Drives: Blue Meanie
Location: Pepperland

SAWCE wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 9:00 pm
Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 8:03 pm

This means a lot to me, I will absolutely absorb all of info when the kids aren't smashing my face with pillows at my parents place. I need to run some ideas past you but will get to it in due time.

I'm trying to consider Chris's suggestion about giving Adam purpose in life. He loves animals more than anything so I want to connect with a local animal shelter and get him involved with some aspect of helping. Maybe we'll walk dogs or whatever, but I'm here for this little tyke.
I really love that idea. He gets a sense of purpose, the doggos get some extra loving, everybody wins.
:dat:
5/7 idea! Animals can be great therapy.
:wap: Where are these mangos?
Detroit wrote: Fri Apr 16, 2021 1:19 pm I don't understand anything anymore.
User avatar
razr390
Command Chief Master Sirloin
Command Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 19644
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 12:08 am
Drives: MK7.5 on 87

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 7:58 pm
D Griff wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 5:14 pm

Yep, I think we all have learned from each other here over the years, the open conversations offer up a lot.

This is your younger son, right?

Many adults even hate parties, maybe some of this was set off by that not really being his jam.
Youngest yes (7 y/o), he is 100% hating parties and groups. They are all his little buddies, but it is overwhelming for him. Maybe he just doesn't want to have a birthday party next year.... would save me some cash.

Thanks Dan, you're amazing! I appreciate your input without any judgement.
It could be his personality, maybe he is more introverted, maybe it's sensory overload. Maybe he would do better with single-person activities/sports such as go-karting, tennis, etc. versus team based sports.
:doughnut: :narc: :doughnut:
Desertbreh wrote: Thu Oct 17, 2019 3:05 pm DFD. The forum where everybody makes the same choices and then tells anybody trying to join the club that they are the stupidest motherfucker to ever walk the earth.
User avatar
Johnny_P
Chief Master Sirloin of the Wasteful Steak
Chief Master Sirloin of the Wasteful Steak
Posts: 40485
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 9:52 am
Drives: Blue short bus
Location: Philly

Detroit wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 12:46 pm
Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 11:15 am

I need your help with this one bro, I'm beside myself and it's tough.

My 7 y/o has said for the second time this year that he wants to be dead by his 8th birthday, two months apart. He has no remorse about leaving it all behind. He's always been more moody and harder to deal with then his brother, so I know that he's wired for these kinds of issues.

If you happen to have any guidance or suggestions that you think we can do as parents to support him it would be appreciated.
I've been struggling with depression and thoughts just like this for my entire life, the past few years have been the hardest. This winter I almost off'd myself on a number of occasions. I feel for him, and it's terrible that he's feeling this way at such a young age.

I tried everything to to improve myself. I started exercising, got in shape, tried reading, new hobbies, nothing worked until I finally got professional help. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now and it's like my world is all new. I got lucky to find a good one right off the bat, and he really digs into stuff with me. It's surprisingly difficult and emotionally draining, but I'm having an improved view on life with each session. It's invaluable.

I'd HIGHLY suggest getting him into talk to a therapist if you're open to it. A child-oriented professional could do wonders for him. If that's not on the table, a few things my therapist had me do at home that has helped immensely...

This will vary for every individual, but my own issue is that I don't have a solid grasp on my sense of "self" i.e. what I WANT, what I LIKE, what my identity is. I've gotten accustomed to just going with the flow, having no opinion, and not doing anything for or because of myself. That's all rooted in the way I was raised, and I won't get into that, but my feeling of wanting it all to end and not wanting to keep going had to do with the fact that I had nothing to live FOR because I don't know what I want as myself. I was/am just a human body, so what's the point? I'd dwell on this issue mentally, which would spiral into depressive episodes with no way out.

Therapist told me to do menial things to focus my mind. Learn to juggle (I DID!), read a book (he recommended an older novel I might enjoy), journal my thoughts. and eventually, start to think not about the fact that I have nothing, but instead what I actually want. Turns out I'm stuck worried about judgement from others, which I'm still working on, but it's a process. So I'd suggest the following:

- Therapy
- Encourage him to do things he wants to do. DO NOT be judgmental in anyway unless it's a bad thing (self harm, harming others, etc). Even something as simple as "hey bud, you pick dinner tonight, we'll love whatever you pick! (and mean it and act like it dammit)"
- Encourage him to find things he enjoys. Maybe try to get him hooked on an easy to read book series. Maybe he likes drawing? SOMETHING to keep his mind busy, but nothing frustrating. For example, I learned how to juggle. It's not frustrating because there's zero need to juggle, and it's a very simple task. I bought a book and bean bags and whenever my mind starts to go down a dark path, I grab the bags and practice juggling for a few minutes. After just 5 minutes of focusing on that, I feel better (hell, maybe he wants to learn how to juggle? Could be a fun thing for him in school to show his friends?) This book is amazing: https://www.amazon.com/Juggling-for-the ... 279&sr=8-3

This is just ME...he is very likely different. This is why I can't recommend professional help enough.
There's absolutely no shame at all in talking to a therapist. I've reached out to mine from time to time for one off sessions. It can be extremely helpful, if you're open to it.
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

CaleDeRoo wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 8:35 pm Just heard my dad lost the top half of his thumb to a garage door spring this week. Took 6 hours to even get any Novocaine and then another 6 to get it stitched on. Two surgeries later and he's waiting to see if he'll get to keep it or not. Fuck those springs man it's sketchy shit.
Holy shit, that sounds like a terrible day. Poor guy
Aside from some tweaks, I'll probably leave this work to the pros. Hope your dad heals well!
User avatar
Tar
Chief Master Sirloin
Chief Master Sirloin
Posts: 14126
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:06 pm
Drives: Beige Family Sedan sans Dent
Location: Canuckistan

razr390 wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 9:45 pm
Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 7:58 pm

Youngest yes (7 y/o), he is 100% hating parties and groups. They are all his little buddies, but it is overwhelming for him. Maybe he just doesn't want to have a birthday party next year.... would save me some cash.

Thanks Dan, you're amazing! I appreciate your input without any judgement.
It could be his personality, maybe he is more introverted, maybe it's sensory overload. Maybe he would do better with single-person activities/sports such as go-karting, tennis, etc. versus team based sports.
Yes and yes, he is an introverted sensory overload kid. He loves ball hockey, soccer and TKD, but we'll run a few options by him this winter. He was taking euk lessons and had fun with it, no pressure just tinkering with an instructor once per week.
User avatar
D Griff
Trollistrator
Trollistrator
Posts: 28784
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 8:49 am
Drives: Bicycles/Two Feet

Tar wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 8:03 pm
SAWCE wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 7:17 pm Mario my dude, sorry to hear about your kid. I don’t know how much help I’d be, but I’ve dealt with depression most of my life and remember it affecting me as far back as fourth or fifth grade, so not my bolder than your dude. One of my earliest memories is my mom asking me why I don’t smile anymore..
Feel free to hit me up to vent, bounce ideas, whatever. I need to do more therapy myself and unlock a lot of my childhood memories and figure out if something specific happened, so I don’t know that I’ll have a “fix”, but might at least be able to offer some insight and you can take it to him and see if it helps at all.

Good on your for being attentive and actually concerned and not blowing it off as childhood angst. With six kids, my parents just didn’t have the bandwidth to give me that, and I learned how it hide it for the most part for a long time until making a similar threat at like 14 years, and an actual attempt at 16.
This means a lot to me, I will absolutely absorb all of info when the kids aren't smashing my face with pillows at my parents place. I need to run some ideas past you but will get to it in due time.

I'm trying to consider Chris's suggestion about giving Adam purpose in life. He loves animals more than anything so I want to connect with a local animal shelter and get him involved with some aspect of helping. Maybe we'll walk dogs or whatever, but I'm here for this little tyke.
Love this idea, good thinking.
User avatar
D Griff
Trollistrator
Trollistrator
Posts: 28784
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 8:49 am
Drives: Bicycles/Two Feet

CaleDeRoo wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 8:35 pm Just heard my dad lost the top half of his thumb to a garage door spring this week. Took 6 hours to even get any Novocaine and then another 6 to get it stitched on. Two surgeries later and he's waiting to see if he'll get to keep it or not. Fuck those springs man it's sketchy shit.
:sad: hopefully he can keep it. Man that sounds so terrible.
User avatar
coogles
First Sirloin
First Sirloin
Posts: 4985
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2016 8:52 am
Drives: Hooptie Crotchfruit Carrier
Location: Indianapolis

Tar wrote: Sat Aug 13, 2022 1:22 am
razr390 wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 9:45 pm It could be his personality, maybe he is more introverted, maybe it's sensory overload. Maybe he would do better with single-person activities/sports such as go-karting, tennis, etc. versus team based sports.
Yes and yes, he is an introverted sensory overload kid. He loves ball hockey, soccer and TKD, but we'll run a few options by him this winter. He was taking euk lessons and had fun with it, no pressure just tinkering with an instructor once per week.
I think finding something he truly enjoys and can use as something to focus on outside of the normal doldrums of like is so key.

When I was a kid I was bullied mercilessly for years. I was 4 years old when I started kindergarten and easily the youngest kid in class by at least 3-4 months. At that time we lived in a pretty nice neighborhood in an otherwise decaying part of town with a shitty school district, so rather than send me to the public schools my parents decided to go the private route, but I was so young the Catholic and Lutheran schools wouldn't take me. Caterbury, this fancy-ass rich folks' school would, probably as a charity case. We didn't have a lot of money, and what tuition we did still have to pay my grandparents paid for. I stayed there through 6th grade until my parents moved, and can't begin to tell you how much I contemplated not living anymore. Not only was I bullied because I was just younger and behind everybody else, both physically and socially, but also because I didn't have the clothes other kids did, my parents didn't have the same kinds of cars, etc. etc.

My parents moved to a different school district and for 7th grade I switched schools, which was a good start. It gave me the opportunity to start fresh with new people in a new place. Thankfully I also hit puberty early, so I went from 4'10" at the beginning of 7th grade to 5'9" by the end of 8th. I finally felt like I could stand up for myself. It wasn't until I really started getting into hockey and being an athlete that I developed any real sense of self-confidence, though. I found a group of people with whom I had a common goal and passion, and that brought me out of my shell. I really haven't had the same kinds of thoughts since, even dealing with all of the changes in life that have been brought on by having 3 children within the span of 20 months and raising them through a pandemic.

At least for me, finding that thing I loved doing and having a group to bond with over that same thing was huge. Hopefully your son can lean into those things he loves to do and limit his exposure to the things or people he doesn't like. Find some purpose, something to look forward to. And maybe most importantly, when he's doing that thing he loves, he won't be thinking about anything else.
Post Reply